for poetry's sake.

I have never felt so connected

and disconnected all at once-

The clouds inside my head floating

across my eyes which have

seen such sights as those that flash

red and blue

through the curtains and the window

they strike his face

setting off fires in between us but

I will not feel a thing at you you

are not

are not him

and he is all I am.

What I don't need:

this tightness of skin

itching, rubbing, coarse

the price to pay for cleanliness

feeling scrubbed and fresh but

without him

I I am not.

Not at all.

As I pull my eyes and head down

down to

close I will

think and feel

both connected and disconnected

from him

from me

from it

from all

from Earth.

actress much?

For the last 20 years I've been trying to live in the world that everyone else lives in. Until now, I didn't even know I was trying, let alone failing. You see, I live in a fantasy world. An alternate reality, where I'm the center of it all. I play every role: the damaged girl, the spoiled brat, the dreamer...whatever suits the moment. I'm always a character, and I'm always center stage. I write my own lines and change them as I go. What's worse is, I think I can direct, too, and put all the other little pawns in their place. I'm now aware of all this, and yet I don't know how to change it.

I picked the wrong major.

night-time nonsense.

As I lay awake listening to my drunken friends and some random guys, I'm realizing that I'm 20 years old, a sophomore in college...and I'm over it. Dirty bathrooms with no toilet paper, waiting 20 minutes for a cup of Natty that's half foam, freezing my ass off walking down Broad St. at 2am because there's no where to put coats in a frat house; what's the point? I'm not trying to sound stuck up, but it's a Thursday night, and I'd lay around in sweats and watch TV than "quench my thirst" while packed together like sardines in a tin can.

I guess part of it could be that I'm in happy, committed relationship- most go out to find someone to bump n' grind with (not to mention sweat all over), and possibly take back to their room for we-all-know-what*. I'm certainly not here to judge, and if it works for you, then by all means. But, personally I'm feeling past all that.

There's so much more out there. I want to feel. I know that seems vague, but I don't know how else to explain it. I just want to know the meaning behind everything, the emotion that comes with it. I want to feel them all. And I want to achieve things- reach goals, do things I can really be proud of. I want to join the Peace Corp. I've always wanted to. I want to teach, because I really believe teaching is the best way to learn. I know I chose journalism because I want to write, but I wish I hadn't. I know I'll go back and get a master's at some point, and it will most likely be in education. I can still write AND teach...I think journalism should be a minor. That way I could have done both. Oh well.

The things I feel at night are so different from the day. In the day, things are manageable, organized, tangible. At night, my thoughts are everywhere, forcing me out of my body and taking me where none of the day-time things matter. Sometimes I hate it, but mostly I wish it was always like this...that I could just observe my surroundings and let thoughts flow freely in and out of my mind. But rational returns with the sun rise, and I'm back to worrying about college and jobs and majors and friends and parties. Maybe that's why people like to party- so they can forget all these worries. Me? I'd rather just float around.

*Makes more sense than "who-knows-what", doesn't it?